Visibility In Relationships -

How Important Is It?©

      A willingness to become truly “visible” to another human-being, is the only way we are able to share who we are (the “authentic” person inside us) with someone we love (or want to love).

      How often have we heard the astonishment in the voice of a wounded lover, “I thought I knew him [her], but I didn’t have a clue.”

      The “why” behind the reason that we did not truly know the person (we thought we knew), can be found (if not fully understood in all of its aspects) when we realize that every contingent event has a cause.

      Often the cause of this type of experience (i.e., “I never knew him [her]”) is based on the behavior choice of the person, we thought we knew, to refuse to allow him/herself to become truly visible to us.

      Clarifying Values: The logic this examination is founded upon, is that every person has a moral right to an individual “self” - (defined by our human rights that God has given us).

      The implication to God-given human-rights, provides the moral foundations that each of us has a right to make real choices in life that serve our best self-interest within God's morality -- that is the fundamental meaning of “self-defense.”

      It follows, that allowing ourselves to become truly visible to an “intimate other” can only be a voluntary choice (because love requires an “invitation” not an “imprisoning” of one person by another).

      Yet, life has taught many people that becoming truly visible can be risky and even harmful to the “self.”

      Our experiences can prove to us that when we become truly “visible” we have given away information that can be used against us (and often may have been used against us).

      Allowing ourselves to become visible to another human being, means we are voluntarily giving him/her power over us.

     Because this is true, love requires that the person we become authentic with, must be worthy of our trust.

      If the person is trust-worthy, the information will never be used against us, but later, if we find the person had not been trust-worthy, we have found that we had given him/her a weapon that could be used against us, and was used against us.

      To trust another with our “self” can be a high-stakes game of risk.

      Early Negative Experiences Can Harm Adult Relationships

      When we have been raised by an arrogant parent or (parents), or other abusive caregiver(s), the risk of allowing visibility isn’t always recognized for what it is, during the time of the innocent giving of our visibility.

      During childhood it is rare that a child has the ability to define (recognize) parental arrogance (meaning a use of unjust "power" over the child) in his/her parents actions (or in the actions of others who maintain oversight in the child’s life).

      The concept that every contingent event has a cause, comes into play here also, because childhood is the most likely time that the right to a “self” had been ignored, dismissed, or massacred by those who had acted-out an unjust power over us (it is a form of abandoning of the child to unjust treatment and ego destruction).

       Those who have had early power over us, have determined how we define all things that we experience.

      If they were fair-minded human-beings, they will have respected our moral right to a “self” to be free of manipulative coercion and self-serving “loyalty” to themselves... if they were arrogant power-brokers of our early experiences, they will have defined our experiences within our “loyalty” [actually “subjugation”] to themselves (father or mother) and will have robbed us of the right to our “self” free of coercive “loyalties.”

      This negative (self-serving) choices of behavior by our early power-brokers, abandons us to injustice and dismissal of our right to an authentic “self” and we are forced to face the reality (if we have not been totally destroyed by such arrogant power-brokers), that the only person who will protect us, is ourselves.

      It is at this point, when our early negative experiences, have the ability to destroy our later relationships and deny us the intimacy God designed us to feel a longing for, and at some point in our lives, actually experience (meaning, the most intimate of all relationships) the male/female “Oneness” of God’s intention.

      When we were forced to realize we were abandoned by those who should have been our protectors (it is a good thing to "see" the truth), and realize we have become our own “protector” of the "self," we have then recognized the risk of true visibility of the “self” in the hands of others for potential misuse and assumed the hyper-vigilant awareness that comes along with being “self” protective (it is an emotionally exhausting way of living life).

      The truism, that every contingent event has a cause, can be seen in the result of our experiences upon our later relationships - he becomes a wary loner - she becomes careful about exposing the true “self” to others - he avoids self-examination with another person - she resists debate about her choices and viewpoints - he feels threatened by every exploration into why he did this or said that.

     It is important to understand: There is nothing wrong with feeling such emotions as a “threat” to the “self” during any of these situations... there IS a threat to the person who has experienced a violation of his right to a “self” many times in the past, when he/she has been examined by others.

      It is this powerful negative experience that shapes the later caution and it is reasonable that this person acts within a self-protective manner to ensure the right to a "self" will not be trampled upon by others, any longer.

      Those of us who have experienced times, when we were controlled by arrogant power-brokers and were powerless to counter such destruction of the right to a “self,” can’t help experiencing painful emotions that leap to the forefront of such later moments of inquisition.

      These types of situations can ignite earlier self-negating emotions that make us feel powerless, inadequate and always “wrong” -- is it any wonder a man or woman who have lived through these early (or later) harmful experiences is not willing to allow him/herself to become truly visible to someone they want to love within a unique intimacy?

     To this man or woman, who loved his/her early power-brokers (who betrayed them), love is risky because it invites a return of the risk of visibility and thus allowing risk of betrayal of the "self" all over again.

      Presented below, is a man's profile that implies that the writer may have had some of the experiences referred to above.

     It is examined here because it is a well-written statement that shows an obviously intelligent, articulate man.

      It reveals a touch of his humor and exposes that he is a bit feisty (which is a “positive” to many women), conveying his desires for how he would like to live out his life with someone who would want to share his life with him, within a peaceful and contented personal environment.

      It also shows his extreme caution re his photo within his sense of self-protection (or his cunning... not sure we can find a final answer to which one it is when looking closer at his words).

      Examination of its contents will be explored below the individual portions of his profile.

      The Profile:

     “I am a traditionalist I enjoy the beauty and romance of meeting someone the old fashion way, this method is a first so I guess that dates me. I am not a complicated person, just someone who wants nothing more than to enjoy life. I enjoy movies, bold coffee, fresh air, stimulating conversation and laughter, travel, camping, rivers, and forests. I enjoy the desert and hunting for gold, I don’t hunt animals unless they hunt me, I walk daily and especially enjoy walking through swap meets looking for antiques."

      This man begins his profile by defining for his female reader that he is no boy. He’s a mature man that takes care of himself (walks daily), favors romance and beauty [prefers the face-to-face contact way of doing things?], and at this time in his life wants nothing more than to enjoy life with someone special.

      He says he would enjoy laughter, among other activities and stimulating he appears to be claiming to be open to an exchange of ideas with others.

      At first sight, it appears to be a great opening paragraph, and it’s also fun that his humor shows up in the first paragraph also....”I don’t hunt animals unless they hunt me.” Who can't enjoy that?  He claims in this first paragraph that he is not a complicated person....(we’ll see if that claim reasonably holds...)

      He continued:

      "I’m diverse when it comes to music, classic rock and oldies are the top of my list, and did I mention Jazz. I am a person who still hangs onto tradition but in today’s world that is getting harder and harder to do; although my sense is predominantly right-brain I am also very much grounded in reality."

      He shows the reader that he’s an intelligent man who finds tradition important and pleasing. [Nice...and many women are going to like his music preferences also].

      He refers to himself as being predominately right-brained (giving the reader something to look at more closely if she hasn’t before).

      Here is a quick look at what is considered a right-brain function: “Right brains need to see something done -- show me, to feel, and to actually experience the process, then, they remember.   Lecture style is a challenge for a right brain.

      Left brains can go to a party, meet 12 new people, and remember their names the next day.  The right brained person will not remember the names but will remember what they were wearing, the couch they were sitting on, the room they were in, how their hair was done, and possibly what they were talking about.  Everything but the name.”

      The man reassures the reader, that in spite of the right-brain tendency to be in the “moment” and enjoy “experience” itself, he is “very much” grounded in reality. Again, showing his awareness of what he is telling the person, and providing a measured and balanced definition of his meaning... [Right...Impressive!]

      Let’s continue:

      ”I guess I should tell you that I have no interest in people who are pretentious or have a condescending personality. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to sit and argue with anyone about anything, life is way too short for that silliness. I am accomplished, and retired so it should go without saying the only need I have for drama and the such I enjoy seeing on a theatre screen, period!”

      At this point... He defines the type of women he won’t tolerate within a context of debate (argue) and “drama.”

      He writes that he has, “no interest” in a woman who has a condescending or pretentious personality (there appears only one way to understand the words, “no interest..” and that is he will not tolerate such a woman to be part of his life).

      Is this an unreasonable statement?

      No, not on its face.

      Yet, is it realistic to believe that such a woman would actually believe those words describe her?   If not, what actual value are they placed into his introductory profile (it is reasonable to accept he chose these words within a specific purpose)

      What the choice of the words imply, is that this man is not as uncomplicated a man, as he earlier claimed (which probably shouldn’t come as a surprise because he is clearly intelligent and often it is the intelligent that take steps to reclaim that portion of his/her life that had been unjustly invaded by the abusive or arrogant).

      Let’s read it again:

      ”I guess I should tell you that I have no interest in people who are pretentious or have a condescending personality. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to sit and argue with anyone about anything, life is way too short for that silliness. I am accomplished, and retired so it should go without saying the only need I have for drama and the such I enjoy seeing on a theatre screen, period!”

      Most of us, would agree with him, that the behavior described by the two words he used, shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone.

      It is his willingness to make the context of these words an adamant refusal to “sit and argue” about “anything” and that doing it, is “silliness” that suggests his response implies a complex experience with personal interaction and exchange that is carefully protective of true visibility.

      The female reader can understand (it is reasonable to believe) that it will be this (type of) man, who imposes his definition of their potential disagreements (meaning, he will refuse any negative interaction) as being “silliness” (when it serves the shielding of his visibility) and herself a, “pretentious and condescending” woman whenever there is a disagreement (which he has revealed he will never allow to take place).

      This profile, as written, brings into question his claim that he is an uncomplicated man and desires only, “...nothing more than to enjoy life.”

      It would be nice if life were that simple... unfortunately it’s not that simple.  Many of us understand that a fundamental justice requires us to be willing to "hear" the viewpoint of others along with a willingness to hear another's complaints against us.

      None of us are perfect, thus, to shut off every aspect of potential exchanges between someone we claim to love, surely speaks of being as abusive as any earlier offending experience this person has suffered, himself (to institute total control over another's right to be heard is the choice of a bully).

      His conclusion statements:

      “ Finally I am new to these sites don’t care for them to be honest, the information posted and having no idea where it ends up or with whom. As for photos I do have an issue with posting pictures along with personal information on a computer. The problem is the scams that I have learned of taken place on these sites, and computers in general, those hacking your information, and getting the bonus of your picture is a problem for me. I am more than willing to send photos as I have absolutely nothing to hide however I want to send them outside these dating sites…………..I realize this will be my stumbling block.”

      It is difficult to accept fully this portion of his profile (meaning is he being authentic).

      He defines himself, as an accomplished man. He is clearly intelligent.  Many people posting on a dating/relationship page, understand that often the married, the living-with-a-woman, situations and felons do not post their photos.

      Yet, this man, in spite of his disliking of the net environment, is willing to forward a photo of himself, to a woman he doesn’t know via her email (which is outside the dating sites), in spite of that also being public exposure and sent to someone he doesn’t actually know.

      The profile is interesting (even compelling), yet, it has the ring to it, of being written within a carefully self-protective framework that implies this man's negative life experiences have (and may continue to) negatively impact his personal relationships.

      It exposes (along with his other statements) an increasing picture that this man is not merely some simple, peaceful, uncomplicated guy looking for the love of his life.

      I suspect...he is much more complicated than that….

      It is a type of profile that, while well-written, should alert a woman, that it may take a lot of patience and time before she would be able to “see” who this man really is.

      His profile suggests that he would need to be able to fully trust his “self” with might take a long time (perhaps time she or he doesn’t have) to meet his needs.....but, then again, he just might be worth it...

      To love, is to desire to truly "know," another human-being.  It can not justly be defined condescending or pretentious when disagreement or uncomfortable discussion emerges within a new relationship.

      Adult men and women reaching out via dating/relationship sites have lived separate lives from those they meet. Men and women should expect that there will be disagreements, probing examination at times and be willing to meet the needs of authentic interaction.

Invitation To Visit Links


     "He asked, 'Are you asking me if I want you right or wrong?'"


     "Is there no 'right' way to you?"


     He stopped walking.  His throat tight, his hands locked deep into his jacket pockets, he stared into her eyes.

     Allowing his despairing anger to burst through another dead-end, he said urgently, 'Tell me you haven't felt what I've felt?  Tell me you can walk away from me and not die inside more each day   By God!  Tell me!'"

Is Refusing Sexual Intimacy - Fraud Upon A Spouse
~ What Jesus Taught ~ ClickOnImage

The Self-Defined "Victim"
What You See Is Not What You Get!

Exploring The Fear Of Commitment
OneMan'sExperience -

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     "For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse." - Romans 1:20
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Relationships And Mental Health: Authentic Self - Moral Alignment - Integrity - Coherence - Visible Truthfulness